She’s made it obvious that I mean a lot less to her than she means to me. Fuck it, I’ve got better things to do with my time than waste it chasing after her.
On a positive note, I had a very pleasant New Years Eve with Amanda and Ethan. Surrounded by no less than three dogs, a cat, and a bird, we had a great time watching anime, talking about various things, and eating a number of culinary delights.
I feel emotionally torn asunder. I feel that I have both betrayed and been betrayed by the woman I loved. I’m speaking, of course, of the alumni retreat, which easily rank as the worst two days of my life. I won’t go into details. Those who know me very well or who were there already know what happened.
I could have done something—anything—but I did nothing. I stood there in silence and anguish and I did nothing. I let it all happen. I stood there and watched as the woman I loved destroyed herself. I stood there and watched as the predators converged on easy prey and I did nothing.
I don’t know if I can forgive her for letting herself go or myself for letting it happen. I suppose it depends on how she feels about the whole thing. In the meantime, I look toward the future with doubt, depression and uncertainty. I’m not terribly happy with anything right now. I hope against hope that there is something left to salvage there but I have my doubts. Maybe she never felt the same in the first place. Maybe it was doomed to come crashing down. I think I build myself up way too high way too early.
